Keynote Speech

I’ve always wanted to be a public speaker, but never knew what I wanted to say. I knew I wanted to teach, but wasn’t sure what I had to offer.

When I began my healing journey, I found my voice.

As I wrote my book I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t stop spreading my message after it was released. I wanted to travel to shelters, be part of outreach programs, talk at schools, and tell the world about the knowledge and experience I gained over the years. I realized I wanted to speak about releasing trauma, falling in love with yourself, building your dream life, and manifesting the future of your dreams.

Back in March I was approached by a speakers bureau that I’d signed up for and received my very first professional public speaking opportunity. Not only was it for a cause I’m passionate about but it was the keynote speech, and they were even going to pay me for it! Honestly, I would have done this for free! The event was a summit for people working in the domestic violence community. Advocates, social workers, mental health practitioners, police, shelter employees, etc. Our topic was “the intersection between domestic violence, mental health, and substance use”.

A lot of shelters are having trouble with substance use amongst the folks living there. This event was to get that topic out in the open and talk about ideas and solutions. I couldn’t believe I was being given this opportunity and although I had until August to get my speech written, practiced, and approved, I started writing immediately. If this was going to be my very first professional introduction to the community I wanted to serve and work with, I was going to nail it.

And I did.

That day was packed with nerves, joy, gratitude, tears, and a heart warming sense of community. My speech was 45 minutes long and I received a standing ovation at the end. Which made me cry. I met some amazing people and have made connections that are blossoming into friendships and business collaborations. Many amazing things are happening because I took a leap and put myself out into the personal development and motivational speaking space. So, if you ever think you want to do something, take the leap! Even if it’s just a little hop, like me signing up for a speakers bureau, at least you’re being active about pursuing your interests and dreams. That’s the first step.

I’ve had people reach out to me about hearing my speech. I didn’t set anything up to record with and the recording I do have is a bit rough, but I put the written version of it below in case anyone is interested. Please remember this was a 45 minute speech, so it’s quite long.

Enjoy!

Four years ago I was stumbling down a snowy hill barefoot and with no coat, desperately trying to get to my landlords house. I’d just escaped my ex. He’d held me hostage in our home for 25 hours. I’d been beaten, berated, tied up, and tortured.

To many people this sounds like the worst thing that could happen to them, and yeah it sucked. The last hours of being hogtied on the floor I was talking to my parents in my head. I hadn’t been part of the family in about 15 years. All I could think was, “I love you. I am so sorry”. I’m grateful for that day. You see, if I hadn’t almost died, I never would’ve left.

My name is Ali and I survived 17 years of abuse. My story is wild but it isn’t unique. As you all know about 1 in 4 women are living this life. Many of us never quite make it out of these relationships and live a life in fear, and too many of us lost their lives at the hands of their abusers.

Let’s rewind a bit. I was a fresh and naive 19 year old when I met my ex. I had just gotten a job that I didn’t want, selling ATV’s for a sporting goods place that was opening in my hometown. The world was big and exciting and I was thrilled to see what it had to offer me. I had dreams of travel and exploring different cultures, of homesteading and living off the land, and I looked forward to seeing just where I fit into this world. High school had been rough, as it is for many adolescents, and I was happy to be free. To finally be an adult!

Like I mentioned, I didn’t really want this job but I needed to make money and I grew up on ATV’s, so I thought it could fun to sell them. It wasn’t great, but I’d made friends with a guy who worked in the camping section that was next to my part of the store. He was funny, handsome, and charming. He was always making me laugh and we really hit it off. We started hanging out in the parking lot after work and I eventually started going home with him.

He was older and intriguing and said he was drawn to my youth, vibrancy, and purity. I was a straight edged jock who was always looking at the beauty in life. He was coming off heroin and much more stoic than I was. I met him during his methadone days.

In high school I’d had a prescription for hydrocodone and realized that it made me feel kind of nice, but once the prescription ran out I quickly forgot about them. Honestly, I had no idea people abused them, I thought I was on to something! Once my ex entered my life, I started to remember the pleasant warmth they gave me.

A few months after hanging out with him I started smoking weed. I’d been feeling a little lost in my new adulthood  and this helped me numb those feelings. He smoked and was so much more experienced in life, was well traveled, and had friends all over. Weed couldn’t be so bad, right? Then he started taking me to the brewery his friends worked at. Since I was with him no one was looking at my ID and I started drinking. I felt so grown up! All my new “friends” were in their 30’s and 40’s and were very cool. I felt honored to be in their close knit group.

They welcomed me and made me feel like one of them. Everyone had a funny story about my new boyfriend and told me that he was always the one to save the day when a fight broke out. He was a fighter who had been training since he was 12. I could see his pride when friends talked about his fighting skills. They told me after his last girlfriend they hadn’t seen him with anyone in a long time and saw that I made him happy.

I don’t know what happened to his last girlfriend but I knew it was messy and she moved to a different state after leaving him. I hope she’s okay.

During the first year with him I noticed he’d get moody. Depressed about life and would pick on me while he was feeling down. He’d make little jokes at my expense and would tell me I was just being a kid when I’d get upset with. “Hmm. Maybe he’s right? Maybe I’m being overly sensitive and childlike? He’d been a grown up longer than I, so maybe I just had some more growing up to do. Adults must have thicker skin than I do. Words don’t hurt, right?”

After another year I moved in with him. I’d had a fight with my parents and fled to his house. My parents had noticed a change in me and were voicing their concerns, which I couldn’t handle. So I left. He said I could stay with him. “Don’t worry, your parents are being helicopters, they’re not letting you live your life.” The very next day he scolded me for being sad. “Grow up” he said. “You don’t need them, you have me.”

That year was a see saw of emotions and my boyfriend started doing drugs again. This is when opiates re-entered my life. I hated that I wasn’t in contact with my family but every time I saw them I was told I came home “different”. He said my family made me bitchy and that they aren’t really there for me, they’re just trying to control me. Then we’d take some pills, watch a kung fu movie, and walk around the woods.

Opiates made me numb to my family issues and in the beginning he was always so nice when we were high. We’d laugh and love each other and babble about everything and nothing. We drank way too much and were usually a bit sloppy by the end of the night. That was the year he started hitting me.

Once we got together he stopped working. I paid all of our bills and bought all of the food. And I was never alone. I had no chance to think about what my life had become or the mean things he’d say. Whenever he’d hit me, he would hug me and say, “I didn’t mean that, but you keep provoking me. You need to stop being a kid. I love you, I don’t want to hurt you.” My self esteem plummeted during those beginning years and I began to believe him. “I’m no good, I cause problems, I deserve this. I need to be better.” I was so sad.

We took more and more pills, and drank more and more whiskey, and I always seemed to have something broken. Whenever he broke a bone he’d nurse me back to health, feeding me pills along the way, and then do it all over again once I healed. About 10 years into the relationship, after a brutal night of him smashing my head through walls and holding a shotgun to me, I overdosed. I couldn’t do this anymore and I didn’t see any other way out, so I took everything we had. I have no idea how the paramedics brought me back to life, but I’m very grateful. I spent a week in a psych ward and vowed never to do drugs again. I detoxed there without telling anyone I had a problem. All I asked for was Benadryl to help me sleep and ibuprofen to help with the intense pain I was feeling.

My boyfriend didn’t give up his manipulation and while I was there we were constantly on the phone. He would only talk about how hard it is without me and that I had hurt him so much by trying to leave. I was back home and in therapy a week later, trying to work on myself so I’d stay drug free and be a better partner.

I was lucky. I found a wonderful therapist who was close to my age and was doing a program for people who suffer from PTSD and have drug use issues. I still wasn’t able to accept that I was being abused but I knew I’d experienced trauma and my anxiety was often out of control. I was with 3 other women and we’d meet twice a week to talk about if we were using, go through a notebook that went along with the program, and learn new coping methods. Between therapy, the program, and caring for the new dog I’d gotten, I was doing pretty good about not using.

My dog, Otto, became my son. If any of you have animals then you know what I mean. I wanted to fully be there and be emotionally available for him, and he’s a big reason I stayed off drugs. Otto is an energetic boy and it upset my boyfriend, who was also jealous of him. So not only did I focus on Otto, I also started running with him twice a day. I had to be sure he was tired while I was at work so he wouldn’t get hurt. But running also helped me. I was in nature, I was moving my body, and I was away from violence.

Once I stopped doing drugs, my ex ramped his use up. I often came home to a sloppy, angry, and very fucked up man. He was always telling me I should have a drink and “just one pill isn’t going to hurt you”. But I wouldn’t partake. Instead I’d run with Otto or I’d work out. Believe me when I say I wanted to go back to my pill billy ways. Those first few months were incredibly challenging, but I was scared. I wouldn’t have decided to overdose that awful night, if I hadn’t already been drunk and high. I was afraid of the poor decisions I might make while under the influence. My boyfriend said I thought I was better than him and that he only took the pills because he had a bad neck. He had no excuse for the cases of PBR and handles of whiskey he was drinking while I was at work.

One night after hanging out with some friends, he kicked me out of the car and hit me with it. He drove off while I was on the ground with a broken arm, trying to understand what had just happened. This was the second time he’d broken my arm and I was pissed. Not only is that traumatic, but it kept me out of work for months. I was a massage therapist and literally needed my arm to do my job. So, I called my parents- the ones I hadn’t talked to in years- and they brought me to the hospital. I spoke with the police and felt like I was deceiving him by telling them what he did. There was an order of protection and a bunch of legal stuff that happened after. I was upset, confused, and still in love with this monster of a man.

He never abided by the order of protection and constantly called and emailed me. He’d say that he didn’t know what happened, he couldn’t remember, that he was so scared. I tried to withdraw from the court proceedings but he’d recorded himself hitting me with the car and since it was put into evidence, they didn’t need me to press charges. The ADA said he was dedicated to making sure my boyfriend paid for what he’d been doing to me.

The cycle of abuse is so hard to get past. I knew he’d been hurting me and that it wasn’t healthy, but with all the love bombing, gaslighting, and manipulation, I truly thought it was my fault. That we were soulmates. That I’d done something terrible by talking to the police. He eventually went to jail for a couple months and would call me multiple times a day. He never asked how I was doing, he’d only complain about where he was and say that he was sick, in danger, and didn’t belong there. He’d yoyo between saying he loved me and being irate that I put him in there. Then he was released and came to my new house. I can’t believe I let him move in.

The next few years were terrifying. He was more violent than ever and would yell at me anywhere from 7 to 11 hours at a time. Whenever this happened my dog would hide and I’d be curled up on the couch trying to be as small as possible. He’d quiz me on what he’d been yelling about and if I ever tried to stand up for myself he’d beat me. I could never escape because he would take my cell phone, car keys, and he’d lock all the doors. During these times I’d take the violence as well as I could and wait for him to stop. I began drinking again. Not a lot and never liquor, but I felt like a failure.

Contact with my family dwindled and I didn’t know what to do about anything. I was still staying away from opiates, exercising religiously, and keeping up with therapy. Then I decided to move us to Vermont. No one in the area would rent us a home because my boyfriend was a felon, so off to Vermont we went. It was really nice at first. Then the abuse started up again. I had to flee the house on multiple occasions and this was when I really started to understand what might be going on. Maybe this was an abusive relationship…

The house we rented was owned by a therapist and was packed with personal development books. I started reading. I started to see more clearly and I began dreaming of a different life. I picked up journaling and would write for hours. There was a lot on my mind. After a fight, I’d write it out and was able to keep things straight in my head rather than be constantly confused. He would twist things around and within an hour or two I would have no idea what the fight was about- but I always felt that it was my fault. Journaling helped me see.

I wanted to be happy, I wanted peace, I wanted support, I wanted to be able to live my life the way I saw fit instead of having all his rules I needed to abide by. I started to talk to a few women in my life and they were adamant that I was being abused. They were horrified by my constant broken nose and ribs, and the bruises that were all over my body. They told me I deserved more. I decided it was time to move back to NY. I took a job with my old spa and moved to the Hudson Valley to manage the spa in their new location. My boyfriend never complained about us moving because he relied on me to pay the bills and support his irrational and spontaneous spending habits.

I packed up and we moved to Rhinebeck. This is where my life changed. A few months after being there COVID began and he lost it. He’d been increasingly angry and violent and yet again, I had to flee our house. I was afraid to go back but of course I did. A few weeks later he tried to kill me. It was a nightmare. I cannot believe I survived it and am stunned that I was able to untie myself and make my escape while he was in the bathroom.

I stayed out this time. I went to the police and cut off contact with him. He tried to get a hold of me constantly, but I’d just go to the police and tell them what he was doing. Since it was during COVID it took a year to even get to court. He stalked me, hacked into my email, tried to get Otto back, and even used my signature to create fake contracts. It was scary and I was hyper vigilant about my safety. Thankfully, I was able to heal and quarantine with my parents and it was a gift to have them back in my life. I covered the inside and outside of their house with security cameras and hoped he wouldn’t show up. By the time we did get to court he was sent to prison. He’ll be there for a few more years.

A few days after my hellish nightmare I began therapy with a woman who is a trauma specialist and has coaching experience. I saw her twice a week and we did some deep healing together. I also had my domestic violence advocate who was amazing and checked in with me often, and a shelter in Poughkeepsie had a spot for me but couldn’t allow my dog, so I opted to stay with my parents even though he knew exactly where I was. It was a hell of year packed with healing, fear, and more self realization than I could ever imagine. With all the emotional turmoil I was going through it would’ve been easy to go back to drugs but I didn’t. I put a lot of things in place so I would only grow from this experience.

I focused on fitness like I had been for the past few years. This helped keep me from thinking about opiates and their warm but destructive embrace. Exercise gave me all the feel good endorphins I needed. I also noticed it was the only thing that could banish my anxiety. To this day if I’m feeling anxious I can do 10-15 minutes of heavy kettle bells and I’m totally calm again. I began treating myself with grace and accepting every decision I’ve made. I couldn’t blame myself for the things I did in my past because I didn’t know then what I know now. I started meditating again. I escaped to nature often. I kept up with journaling and showed up 1000% percent for myself. My job was to heal, to understand why I entered and stayed in that relationship, to be caring to myself, to rediscover my authenticity, and to build a new life. To build my dream life. I would never go back to the life I had. I would never allow someone else to tell me what was best for me, I would never not listen to my intuition. Instead, I would love myself the most. I’d trust myself more than anyone. I would make sure I was filling my cup first. And I knew one day I’d help the ones who have been in my shoes. I’d help those who suffered at the hands of the one they thought loved them.

During the next couple years I built my dream life, even though it’s still in the works! I read a billion books abut domestic violence, emotional, and verbal abuse. I acquired health and life coach training. I wrote a book about my experience and the tools I used to overcome trauma and tap into my inner truth- my authentic core. I have a dream of having the workshop I created in shelters and outreach programs that will help people who recently left an abusive situation. Being here is part of my dream!

There are things that I know will help survivors. Healing isn’t easy nor is it linear. It’s a process. I want to talk about some things that helped me and have helped others. They’re not in any order of effectiveness and not everyone will align with them all, but options are a good thing.

Exercise: This is what I started with and it has immediate effects. I was a childhood athlete and always felt my best when playing my sports. Once I started taking painkillers all aspirations of movement left my mind and when I stopped taking them I realized I wanted and needed to move my body consciously again. I started by doing pilates when I’d feel off. It was helpful but I recognized that I needed something more intense to distract me from my cravings and get the nervous energy out of my body. So I started functional strength training with kettle bells and running with Otto. Not only did this give me something safe to do, it also made me feel amazing and tickled my opiate receptors enough so I wasn’t thinking about drugs anymore. It also began to strengthen my body which really needed it after the years of abuse my ex and I had put it through. Studies show how exercise is incredibly effective at lowering depression, anxiety, and is helping people recover from substance abuse. It’s also empowering because you’re doing something challenging and depending on what type of exercise you’re called to, you may even gain a community. My favorite ways to consciously move my body are hiking with my dogs (I have two of them now!), kettle bells, and muay thai. I began my muay thai adventure after I left my abusive relationship because I wanted to know that no one could ever hurt me again, and if anyone tried, I’d give them a hell of a time. I feel safer and more confident than I ever have, and I met some of the most incredible women and men that I’ve ever known.

Otto: Otto is my soulmate. He came into my life when I needed him the most and we’ve been through the scariest and best times together. He’s a gift to me. I truly wanted to be there for him and his presence kept me from going back to opiates. Once I was free from my abuser Otto kept me from wallowing in my misery. I had to feed him, play with him, and bring him for walks. I looked forward to these things because it kept me out of my head. He brought me joy and distracted me from the legal things that were going on and the fear of my ex showing up to finish the job he’d started in Rhinebeck. Otto also taught me about resilience. He’d been through all those terrifying times with me. He’d also been hurt and here he was, happy as ever. Always making me laugh and trying to have a good time. If he could get over this, so could I. We’d do it together. Having someone else to care for is a blessing. Being fully involved in someone else’s life, having someone to share good experiences with, knowing that you’ve got someone on your side, is powerful and healing. I think that having an animal or volunteering at an animal shelter could be as beneficial for others as it was for me. If people are nervous with animals then maybe they could volunteer to work with kids or the elderly. Immersing yourself in someone else’s care and happiness brings joy to everyone involved. It also increases oxytocin, which is our love hormone, and is important for our development and wellbeing.

Nature: Our earth is healing. It has it’s own frequency that literally interacts with us on a cellular level. Most folks have heard of Shinrin Yoku, or forest bathing. The act of walking through the woods or just being in nature helps our bodies deal with stress, increase immune function, and bring a sense of well being. It’s uplifting, peaceful, and getting fresh air and sun on your face is incredibly beneficial. I also enjoy watching nature. Seeing how animals live. They’re not striving to accomplish things, they’re just living and always seem more joyful than us humans, who are constantly worrying about our place in the world and if we’re doing enough in our lives.

Watching how the plants sprout, bloom, and then die shows me that there’s a constant cycle in life. I personally try to live in the rhythm of our planet. In winter it’s a time of rest. I try to focus within and be easy on myself and my aspirations. Spring is a time of growth and excitement of what can come. This is when I’ll “plant seeds” in my soul and plan for bigger things. Summer is fun! I just try to enjoy the growth I’ve been experiencing and make sure I take lots of time to play. Fall is a time of harvest. Enjoy the fruits of your labor and prepare for the coming time of rest. I truly believe that getting people out in nature will help them heal on a totally different level and once they’re conscious of how our earth and other animals live, they’ll be easier on themselves. Being in nature also increases serotonin which can help cut back on cravings. I know that nature will bring anyone who seeks it out more peace than they can imagine.

Journaling: There’s power in words and having a safe space to lay out everything going on in your head is helpful on many levels. Journaling gives you a place to work out problems- although I don’t like the word “problem”. The legendary music producer, Quincy Jones once said, “I don’t have problems, I have puzzles”, and that’s how I like to think about challenging things. Writing helps you figure out your puzzle. It also gives you space to focus on what you want from life. What you want your life to feel like. We can’t really change our lives until we know what we want them to be like. It gives us a place to be brutally honest with ourselves and to start manifesting that big beautiful life that we all deserve. It can be challenging to start writing but once you do, things will start to change pretty quickly.

Meditation: This can be a tough one. I’m lucky because I grew up meditating. I had to abandon it while I was in my crappy relationship and right after I got out I had a lot of trouble closing my eyes without seeing or hearing the trauma I went through. PTSD is a bitch. Luckily, with practice I’ve gotten back into it and am grateful by how helpful it is. Carving out time to just be, to breathe and empty your mind of the things that are going on, to find your inner core, to feel your inner truth… This is an amazing feeling. Not only does it help you get cozy with your authentic self, it’s also been shown to help tremendously with anxiety, depression, and drug cravings. Getting started can be hard, so finding a good book or teacher is helpful. I just want folks to remember- it’s called a meditation practice because it takes practice. Once you start getting the hang of it you’ll be able to watch your life start changing.

Play: George Bernard Shaw once said, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing”, and I agree. Playing and having fun is beneficial for all aspects of health. It’s also a great way to bring joy back into your life. I’m always dancing around, making weird noises, and finding ways to have fun. Play keeps you from being too serious about things and helps you enjoy all the little things in life. Finding joy in the mundane is a super power that we all have access to. It’ll also ease depression and anxiety, and if you’re having a great time you’re probably not thinking about numbing your days with substances. So please, develop a culture of play in your life! It’ll keep you happy and young.

Diet and lifestyle: This is a big one. A poor diet and lifestyle will make you feel shitty. There’s no way around that. And we can’t do better unless we feel better. Cleaning up eating habits will drastically change the way you feel. It can be challenging in this weird world we live in so I tell people to focus on eating foods that come from the planet. If it’s got an ingredient label it’s not from our earth, it’s from a factory. Try to only shop the perimeter of your grocery store. The perimeter is where you find produce, meats, and dairy products. The middle of the store is where you’ll find highly processed fake foods that are laden with newly invented chemicals that are proven to cause serious health problems. So, get comfortable with cooking! It’s a wonderful feeling to make something super delicious that also makes your body and mind feel good. Highly processed fake foods, and yes- the majority of what you find in the grocery store are fake foods, are covenient but are known to cause mental health issues and degrade our bodies at a rapid rate. We’ve already gone through enough, so let’s not abuse our bodies in that way. Along with eating cleaner, try to move more often. If you can walk to the store, do that! You’ll get fresh air in your lungs, sunshine on your face, and the act of moving will help your body and mind feel great. Also, stretch out those muscles! We live in a world where most of what we do is in a sitting position or with our back hunched and neck down. These repetitive motions and postures are rough on our bodies and a simple stretching routine will help alleviate pain and calm our nervous system. Plus it feels so freaking good. If you can, go get a massage. If you can’t, massage yourself! There are lots of things you can do to help your body feel it’s best.

And lastly, find the meaning: It’s hard going through horrible things. But what I think is even harder is staying a victim to the traumas we’ve experienced. If we can find the meaning behind our experiences, we’ll heal from them faster. We all have the power to change our story. I finally realized the abuse I suffered and the drug use I put myself through wasn’t really my story. It wasn’t my fault. I fell in love with a man who was mean and manipulative. I stayed with him because I didn’t feel that I deserved better. Plus, the cycle of abuse is insidious and hard to recognize at first. I was using drugs as a way to cope with the awful things I was experiencing, and the abuse I went through had more to do with him than it did with me.

He was messed up and didn’t know how to love without fear and control. He was hurting me because of his own issues. My abuse wasn’t due to a weakness within myself. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and was caught up in the storm of someone else’s misery. Try to accept what happened, even though I know that’s hard. Look for the lessons. Acknowledge your strength! We’ve gone through something tremendously difficult and made it out. In my mind, that makes us fucking rockstars! Strong and resilient. We have to own that. We can’t make abuse and substance use our story- the good that came from it is our story. And when we’re ready- we can tell others about it. It’s powerful being able to tell your story and it might even help some folks along the way.

There’s a quote that I think a lot of people can resonate with, “God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called”. There’s a reason we go through things like this and it’s our job to figure out what that reason is. I went through this because I was being qualified to help others. I had a lot of lessons to learn and apparently I needed to learn them the hard way. But here I am- stronger and happier than ever. And I’m ready to help.

I want to thank everyone in this community. You guys are saving lives and truly helping the world. Life is better because you’re all in it and you’re doing this work. I think there’s room for more, though. I really believe if we can get some coaches and life coaching programs into this space we can make an even bigger impact and be able to empower survivors to stay out of these relationships and be substance free. To show them just how beautiful and strong they are. How amazing their lives can be with just a little bit of work and a little bit of reframing. To teach them how to support and help each other stay accountable with what their trying to achieve. I know we’ll be successful and will have a better chance at helping those who need it.

Thank you so much for allowing me the time to tell my story and to talk about my vision for the future of healing from domestic violence and substance use. I’m incredibly grateful to be here today and am thrilled to connect with such an amazing group of people. Thank you.